Hello everyone! It’s been a couple of weeks since I have written and for good reason. First, I was in a car accident. I did not get hurt and my kids were not with me, but my car was in bad shape and it shook me up. It was scary and I was worried about the air bag going off and me being pregnant. Luckily it all worked out ok. Now it is mostly a big inconvenience as I work with body shops and insurance agents, etc. Then, a few days later I ended up in the hospital because I could not stop vomiting and became dehydrated. Luckily I was able to get some medication and fluids and recovered fairly quickly. Needless to say, it was not a good week for me. I have been pretty busy ever since and have not had much of a chance to write. A few of you have mentioned to me that you miss reading my blog and I just want to say thank you – it means a lot!
I have really struggled with what to write because I had felt before the accident and the hospital that I was doing really well in the positive arena. I felt I was making some breakthroughs and getting somewhere and then it seemed like everything started falling apart and things were not positive. They sucked! I didn’t feel like reading anything about being positive or saying affirmations or anything that I had previously been doing. I still haven’t done much reading. There are some other things going on in my life that have been somewhat negative and it’s hard to really get in touch with the positive when things are not going your way.
This is not to say that I am suddenly turning into a negative person or I don’t believe in being positive. I am actually feeling pretty good now and I think there is a reason for it. While it is good that I do a lot of reading, I sometimes think that reading too much self-help/improvement material can be a bit debilitating. How? Well, I think that I was spending too much time focusing on what I should be doing to be a good parent and the best way to think about my eating and how to be a better friend, etc. What I “should” be doing started to overwhelm me and I was starting to second guess myself or berate myself for not doing something. Essentially I stopped listening to my own instincts. For example, I have read a million articles and watched several shows on parenting and I was constantly trying to improve in that area. Then my son would really push my buttons and I would get mad, yell and put him in his room. Then I would sit around and feel really bad for treating him that way and not following one of the many suggestions from the articles that I have read. But you know, sometimes, you just have to get mad and react like a human being. I’m not talking about beating your child or constantly yelling, but the reality is that sometimes parents get mad and sometimes kids are annoying you and it’s ok to react.
I’m not saying that I will no longer read things or take suggestions or learn from others. I just think that I need to find a better balance between that and my own natural instincts and abilities. I think they are stronger and better than I have given myself credit for.
Today is exactly 6 months from when I started this project. I am proud of myself for actually spending the last 6 months writing. I think I have learned a lot. However, I also think that I may have been going about this in the wrong way and need to dig a little deeper. It feels like I have been trying to be positive and looking for the positive but it’s not really sinking in yet. I am not giving up though. I just think I need to look for ways to roll with life’s punches and find a genuine sense of peace and happiness. That is really my goal in all this – to be content and happy with myself and my life.
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
February 23, 2010
Back in October I wrote about an article I had seen on a woman with MS who had followed the advice of her spiritual leader to give away 29 gifts in 29 days. The woman followed her advice and completely transformed her life. I had been inspired by the article and had intended to follow through with the 29 days but after about 2 days got lazy and forgot the project. Then yesterday I was at the library with my kids and took a second to check out the new books that came in and this woman’s story, her book, immediately caught my eye. I plucked the book from the shelf, checked it out, and we headed home. As my kids started to nap I began to read it and became completely enthralled. I become so engaged in this book that I woke up at 3:30 this morning to keep reading it and have finished the book in less than 24 hours. I never do that anymore, mostly because I have kids, but this book was worth less sleep. And, after having read it, I feel much more alive and inspired than I have in a long time.
The book is entitled “29 Gifts: How a Month of Giving Can Change your Life” by Cami Walker. Walker was suffering from debilitating MS, lost her job, and had a great deal of debt because of this. She was newly married when she was diagnosed and her and her husband struggled with their new life together. I would love to review the book here for you, but I think it’s much more powerful to read it on your own. Her stories are empowering, relatable and inspiring. It’s hard to take her words and sum them up in a short synopsis. I highly recommend everyone to read this book.
I would however like to talk about an important concept of the book. The book is about giving to others and how it can change your life. One of the biggest things I took from the book was that giving and receiving go hand in hand. One does not exist without the other. One of the struggles that she had, and many other people have, is accepting the receiving part. There are so many times when, for example, someone takes us out to lunch and we are immediately thinking about when we can return the favor. Or someone compliments us on our outfit and we say, “Oh, this old thing. I’ve had it for years.” It often seems hard for people to simply say “thank you” and enjoy the compliment, or lunch, or whatever gift they have been given. The art of receiving is equally important as the art of giving. One cannot coexist without the other. So it is important that if you set out on a journey to give that you be willing to receive something back from the universe. Now, this doesn’t mean that you give to someone because you are expecting back. That would not be a pure intention. However, when you give with your heart and with no expectation, the world will give back to you, and it should be taken as easily as you gave.
Again, I would like to encourage everyone to get this book. Buy it, check it out from the library, or head to Walker’s website to be part of the challenge - http://givingchallenge.ning.com/.
I would like to leave you today with a thought from Walker’s book. It is a quote from her spiritual leader, Mbali Creazzo – “Healing doesn’t happen in a vacuum, but through our interactions with other people. By giving, you are focusing on what you have to offer others, inviting more abundance into your life. Giving of any kind is taking a positive action that begins the process of change. It will shift your energy for life.”
The book is entitled “29 Gifts: How a Month of Giving Can Change your Life” by Cami Walker. Walker was suffering from debilitating MS, lost her job, and had a great deal of debt because of this. She was newly married when she was diagnosed and her and her husband struggled with their new life together. I would love to review the book here for you, but I think it’s much more powerful to read it on your own. Her stories are empowering, relatable and inspiring. It’s hard to take her words and sum them up in a short synopsis. I highly recommend everyone to read this book.
I would however like to talk about an important concept of the book. The book is about giving to others and how it can change your life. One of the biggest things I took from the book was that giving and receiving go hand in hand. One does not exist without the other. One of the struggles that she had, and many other people have, is accepting the receiving part. There are so many times when, for example, someone takes us out to lunch and we are immediately thinking about when we can return the favor. Or someone compliments us on our outfit and we say, “Oh, this old thing. I’ve had it for years.” It often seems hard for people to simply say “thank you” and enjoy the compliment, or lunch, or whatever gift they have been given. The art of receiving is equally important as the art of giving. One cannot coexist without the other. So it is important that if you set out on a journey to give that you be willing to receive something back from the universe. Now, this doesn’t mean that you give to someone because you are expecting back. That would not be a pure intention. However, when you give with your heart and with no expectation, the world will give back to you, and it should be taken as easily as you gave.
Again, I would like to encourage everyone to get this book. Buy it, check it out from the library, or head to Walker’s website to be part of the challenge - http://givingchallenge.ning.com/.
I would like to leave you today with a thought from Walker’s book. It is a quote from her spiritual leader, Mbali Creazzo – “Healing doesn’t happen in a vacuum, but through our interactions with other people. By giving, you are focusing on what you have to offer others, inviting more abundance into your life. Giving of any kind is taking a positive action that begins the process of change. It will shift your energy for life.”
Friday, February 19, 2010
February 19, 2010
You will notice that I have not been writing my blog on a consistent regular basis. To be honest, it’s because I have been feeling a little bit depressed and deeply wondering how much this positive thinking stuff really works. I have been uninspired and it’s been hard to look at things positively, much less ask other people to do so.
This weekend I had a rare opportunity to run into a bookstore all by myself (no children). I was just kind of browsing around when a colorful book caught my eye. It was written by Louise L. Hay and entitled “The Power Is Within You.” It is a book of hers that I have not read and I knew instantly that I needed to read it. I thought that I would read through the entire book in one night, but when I got home and started to read it, I realized that it was something that I would go through very slowly. Why? Because it is incredibly powerful and makes you stop and seriously think about your life. While the reading is easy, the content is deep and requires a lot of contemplation.
One of the most important things that I have grasped from the book thus far is the power of affirmations. The point of affirmations is to focus on what you want in life and help you remove any limitations you have from negative beliefs and self-talk. Hay points out that we must believe that we deserve good in order to receive it. Thinking and believing negative thoughts impedes our goals and dreams. I have always thought of myself as a pretty positive person, but after reading her information on affirmations, I spent a day paying close attention to the thoughts running through my head. I was shocked at how negative they were. Negative thoughts were literally bombarding me several times every hour. My mind is a constant track of worry and negativity. While I may appear to be a positive person on the inside, the inner workings of my mind paint a very different picture. After seeing how many negative things were running through my mind during a day I started to realize – no wonder things are not working out for me. I am not spending this year thinking in a positive way. I may have thought I was doing so, but I am really just a walking piece of negative energy.
After realizing how many negative thoughts were coursing through my body, I then decided to write down one of my biggest goals/worries. I wrote down all the negative thoughts I was thinking about this subject and then on the opposite side of the page I wrote down two positive thoughts. I then immediately started saying these thoughts. Sometimes aloud and other times quietly to myself. It’s been a couple of days since I started this and I will say that at first it didn’t feel authentic. But I kept saying them because that is the only way to change our thought patterns. It still doesn’t feel authentic, but it is starting to bring peace to me when I say them. Part of all of this is that the negative thoughts are still there. In fact, they seem to be even more prevalent. I think the thoughts are testing me. Every time a thought or worry penetrates my mind, I immediately counter it with a positive thought. And, like I mentioned, it doesn’t seem true yet, but the positive thought instantly relaxes me and pushes the negative thought out of my mind.
I have been quite concerned about money, so I have been affirming a better financial picture. It’s only been a couple of days, and at this point nothing has changed. But Hay reminds us “affirmations are like planting seeds in the ground. When you put a seed in the ground, you don’t get a full-grown plant the next day. We need to be patient during the growing season.”
And that is where I am at – growing seeds of prosperity. I can’t tell you how powerful this exercise has been for me. While nothing physically has changed, yet, I can feel my mind and spirit changing. I will say, this is really hard work. It’s hard to change years and years of negative thinking and patterns that have led you to where you currently are. But I am tired of being run by negativity and I desire to have change. Changing my thoughts is the only way this will be possible.
This weekend I had a rare opportunity to run into a bookstore all by myself (no children). I was just kind of browsing around when a colorful book caught my eye. It was written by Louise L. Hay and entitled “The Power Is Within You.” It is a book of hers that I have not read and I knew instantly that I needed to read it. I thought that I would read through the entire book in one night, but when I got home and started to read it, I realized that it was something that I would go through very slowly. Why? Because it is incredibly powerful and makes you stop and seriously think about your life. While the reading is easy, the content is deep and requires a lot of contemplation.
One of the most important things that I have grasped from the book thus far is the power of affirmations. The point of affirmations is to focus on what you want in life and help you remove any limitations you have from negative beliefs and self-talk. Hay points out that we must believe that we deserve good in order to receive it. Thinking and believing negative thoughts impedes our goals and dreams. I have always thought of myself as a pretty positive person, but after reading her information on affirmations, I spent a day paying close attention to the thoughts running through my head. I was shocked at how negative they were. Negative thoughts were literally bombarding me several times every hour. My mind is a constant track of worry and negativity. While I may appear to be a positive person on the inside, the inner workings of my mind paint a very different picture. After seeing how many negative things were running through my mind during a day I started to realize – no wonder things are not working out for me. I am not spending this year thinking in a positive way. I may have thought I was doing so, but I am really just a walking piece of negative energy.
After realizing how many negative thoughts were coursing through my body, I then decided to write down one of my biggest goals/worries. I wrote down all the negative thoughts I was thinking about this subject and then on the opposite side of the page I wrote down two positive thoughts. I then immediately started saying these thoughts. Sometimes aloud and other times quietly to myself. It’s been a couple of days since I started this and I will say that at first it didn’t feel authentic. But I kept saying them because that is the only way to change our thought patterns. It still doesn’t feel authentic, but it is starting to bring peace to me when I say them. Part of all of this is that the negative thoughts are still there. In fact, they seem to be even more prevalent. I think the thoughts are testing me. Every time a thought or worry penetrates my mind, I immediately counter it with a positive thought. And, like I mentioned, it doesn’t seem true yet, but the positive thought instantly relaxes me and pushes the negative thought out of my mind.
I have been quite concerned about money, so I have been affirming a better financial picture. It’s only been a couple of days, and at this point nothing has changed. But Hay reminds us “affirmations are like planting seeds in the ground. When you put a seed in the ground, you don’t get a full-grown plant the next day. We need to be patient during the growing season.”
And that is where I am at – growing seeds of prosperity. I can’t tell you how powerful this exercise has been for me. While nothing physically has changed, yet, I can feel my mind and spirit changing. I will say, this is really hard work. It’s hard to change years and years of negative thinking and patterns that have led you to where you currently are. But I am tired of being run by negativity and I desire to have change. Changing my thoughts is the only way this will be possible.
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
February 9, 2010
Lately I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about “aha” moments. You know those moments when you discover your true passion, or you decide to make a big change in your life. “Aha” moments are what inspire people to make permanent weight changes, for example. You can know all the right tools to lose weight, and you can even have some temporary success, but you will never really succeed until you are completely inspired to do so. You have to really want it!
I started this project because I wanted to change my life. And while I think I have made some small improvements, I think I am still lacking an “aha” moment. But how does that happen? Does it just smack you over the head one day when you least expect it, or do you have to put in some sort of effort for it to happen?
I was at the library yesterday picking up some books for my kids and I started browsing. A book entitled “Mommy Millionaire: How I Turned My Kitchen Table Idea into a Million Dollars and How You Can, Too” by Kim Lavine, caught my attention. I started glancing through it and eventually decided to check it out. I brought it home and as I started reading different sections I noticed a theme: persistence. I don’t have an interest in marketing a product I have created, but my writing is my product, and I thought in that sense the information was relevant. She notes in her book, “persistence in the face of resistance brings success.” I think that is never more true than when the resistance is your own fear. She further points out “there is no reward without risk, and the bigger the risk, the bigger the reward.” Have you ever noticed some of the biggest success stories come shortly after someone hits bottom or has $10 in the bank? I figure this happens for one of two reasons: (a) They have risked everything and it is finally paying off and/or; (b) they were finally desperate enough to throw all caution to the wind. Risk is hard for me because I like to know what’s coming next. What I think I forget is we never really know that anyway. I also think I’m not quite desperate enough yet – although I think that time is quickly approaching. I am starting to build up some ideas in my head of what I want and they are becoming more and more pronounced every day. One of these days I will want it bad enough.
I am pushing forward though. I have submitted a recent article I wrote to three different magazine publishers. I have also written a story for a contest and applied for a writing job with About.com. I am proud of myself for doing these things – stepping out of my comfort zone. I have not had an “aha” moment just yet, but when I do, I think I will be prepared to move forward with it!
I started this project because I wanted to change my life. And while I think I have made some small improvements, I think I am still lacking an “aha” moment. But how does that happen? Does it just smack you over the head one day when you least expect it, or do you have to put in some sort of effort for it to happen?
I was at the library yesterday picking up some books for my kids and I started browsing. A book entitled “Mommy Millionaire: How I Turned My Kitchen Table Idea into a Million Dollars and How You Can, Too” by Kim Lavine, caught my attention. I started glancing through it and eventually decided to check it out. I brought it home and as I started reading different sections I noticed a theme: persistence. I don’t have an interest in marketing a product I have created, but my writing is my product, and I thought in that sense the information was relevant. She notes in her book, “persistence in the face of resistance brings success.” I think that is never more true than when the resistance is your own fear. She further points out “there is no reward without risk, and the bigger the risk, the bigger the reward.” Have you ever noticed some of the biggest success stories come shortly after someone hits bottom or has $10 in the bank? I figure this happens for one of two reasons: (a) They have risked everything and it is finally paying off and/or; (b) they were finally desperate enough to throw all caution to the wind. Risk is hard for me because I like to know what’s coming next. What I think I forget is we never really know that anyway. I also think I’m not quite desperate enough yet – although I think that time is quickly approaching. I am starting to build up some ideas in my head of what I want and they are becoming more and more pronounced every day. One of these days I will want it bad enough.
I am pushing forward though. I have submitted a recent article I wrote to three different magazine publishers. I have also written a story for a contest and applied for a writing job with About.com. I am proud of myself for doing these things – stepping out of my comfort zone. I have not had an “aha” moment just yet, but when I do, I think I will be prepared to move forward with it!
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
February 2, 2010
One of my biggest challenges in life has always been keeping my house organized. I’m pretty good at making sure things are always clean, it’s the clutter that seems to bury me. It is even harder when you have small children. I thought that when I became a stay home mom I would have a perfectly clean house. Little did I realize that I would actually have less time to clean. Lately, I have been feeling a strong desire to get the house organized. It could be my pregnant nesting instinct. It is also a little bit of my fear that the clutter will completely consume me when I have three children. Therefore, I have resigned myself to get my house under control once and for all.
I think part of the problem is nature. You know how there are always people when you drop by their house, unexpectedly, and it’s clean. No matter what, their house always seems clean and in perfect array. My mom is one of those people. While I have been blessed to receive many attributes from her, a perfectly organized house gene somehow didn’t get passed on. It’s not for lack of trying though. I wake up every day and say “today will be the day” and I go to bed at night staring at a pile of laundry or stack of bills I didn’t get to. I truly love being in a clean, organized home and have a tremendous amount of respect for those who keep their homes up. My husband always teases me because I am pretty obsessive about cleaning and organizing before company comes. I like to give the illusion that my house is always clean. He refers to it as playing “fake house.” It infuriates me when he says this, but he’s right. I think I am, however, finally ready for our “fake house” to be that way on a regular basis.
The problem with a disorganized house is that it bleeds in to other areas of your life. It makes you feel stressed, chaotic and often overwhelmed. In the book, Simple Steps – 10 Weeks to Getting Control of Your Life, authors, Lelas, McClintock and Zingarella point out that “messy drawers, cabinets and closets drain us of our energy.” Furthermore, their research has shown “clutter and chaos in the home appear to be linked to eating as an emotional escape. There is a connection between organizing clutter and losing weight.” If that’s not motivating what is? Louise L. Hay agrees, pointing out that in order to make room for the new in our life (and not just stuff) we must have a place to put it. Hay notes “cluttered closets mean a cluttered mind.” I, for one, know this to be true. Your house can look clean from the outside, but God forbid anyone open a drawer. When your life is lived this way it feels as though you are hiding and even though the outside looks good, you are still well aware of the work needed to be done on the inside. Hay says by cleaning closets and drawers we are making a symbolic gesture to the universe that says we are ready for change, and “the universe loves symbolic gestures.”
While all of this is enough to make you want to clean out every drawer of your house, I am going to be reasonable and set a goal of cleaning up one drawer/area every day until it’s complete. I will get rid of that which I no longer use, including those size 6 jeans that I have been planning to wear for 5 years, and I am going to make room for a new baby and a new life. I often feel my house is too small, and it is in many respects, but it doesn’t help that I don’t have things clean and organized. I am tired of the drawers and closets of my mind being cluttered and am ready for a fresh new start!
I think part of the problem is nature. You know how there are always people when you drop by their house, unexpectedly, and it’s clean. No matter what, their house always seems clean and in perfect array. My mom is one of those people. While I have been blessed to receive many attributes from her, a perfectly organized house gene somehow didn’t get passed on. It’s not for lack of trying though. I wake up every day and say “today will be the day” and I go to bed at night staring at a pile of laundry or stack of bills I didn’t get to. I truly love being in a clean, organized home and have a tremendous amount of respect for those who keep their homes up. My husband always teases me because I am pretty obsessive about cleaning and organizing before company comes. I like to give the illusion that my house is always clean. He refers to it as playing “fake house.” It infuriates me when he says this, but he’s right. I think I am, however, finally ready for our “fake house” to be that way on a regular basis.
The problem with a disorganized house is that it bleeds in to other areas of your life. It makes you feel stressed, chaotic and often overwhelmed. In the book, Simple Steps – 10 Weeks to Getting Control of Your Life, authors, Lelas, McClintock and Zingarella point out that “messy drawers, cabinets and closets drain us of our energy.” Furthermore, their research has shown “clutter and chaos in the home appear to be linked to eating as an emotional escape. There is a connection between organizing clutter and losing weight.” If that’s not motivating what is? Louise L. Hay agrees, pointing out that in order to make room for the new in our life (and not just stuff) we must have a place to put it. Hay notes “cluttered closets mean a cluttered mind.” I, for one, know this to be true. Your house can look clean from the outside, but God forbid anyone open a drawer. When your life is lived this way it feels as though you are hiding and even though the outside looks good, you are still well aware of the work needed to be done on the inside. Hay says by cleaning closets and drawers we are making a symbolic gesture to the universe that says we are ready for change, and “the universe loves symbolic gestures.”
While all of this is enough to make you want to clean out every drawer of your house, I am going to be reasonable and set a goal of cleaning up one drawer/area every day until it’s complete. I will get rid of that which I no longer use, including those size 6 jeans that I have been planning to wear for 5 years, and I am going to make room for a new baby and a new life. I often feel my house is too small, and it is in many respects, but it doesn’t help that I don’t have things clean and organized. I am tired of the drawers and closets of my mind being cluttered and am ready for a fresh new start!
Thursday, January 28, 2010
January 28, 2010
Raising kids is undoubtedly the hardest job I have ever had. While it is certainly fun and they are adorable, there is a lot of screaming, fighting, exhaustion and headache that comes with the territory. But I ultimately find it rewarding, otherwise baby number three would not be on the way. But, I have to admit that in the last year or so I have found the parenting job exhausting. I have found myself longing for every moment that I can have a break, watching the clock hoping naps or bedtime will arrive soon, and feeling a bit sorry for myself when the days are long or my husband has to work late.
Last week I went on my annual ski trip with my mom and sister and had four days of no kids. Being pregnant I didn’t ski, so I had a lot of time on my hands to relax and think. When I first arrived I was thinking about how quickly the time was going to pass and then I would be back to my “job” of taking care of the kids. I had just arrived and I was already worried about returning. Then I started to feel guilty. I love my kids more than anything in the world, so why was I dreading my return. I decided to really examine this. The first thing I realized was that it wasn’t about the kids so much as the circumstances. Admittedly it’s harder right now being pregnant, I am more sensitive to noise, tired, and unable to do as much in a day as I used to. But in being completely honest I was having some of these feelings even before I got pregnant. The bottom line is that the job is hard, harder than I ever anticipated it would be, and the physical demands were getting to me. The second thing I realized is that I’m not enjoying my kids the way that I want to. I am constantly focused on paying the bills, cleaning the house, cooking food, and the countless other chores I do. I have forgotten, somewhere along the way, that the real reason I am staying home is to raise my children. The other chores are important, but are by no means my most important task. By focusing on everything else but the kids, I have taken the pleasure out of being with them because I feel like I can never get anything done with them around.
I admit all this because I had a revelation on my vacation. By looking into my feelings in a deep and honest way I was able to look at the answers with clarity and come up with some real solutions. When I returned to my kids I was thrilled to see them and we had the most fantastic day together. I was patient, kind and I spent quality time with them. This past week our community has endured one of the largest snow storms since the 1960s and I have been cooped up with the kids in the house (although they did get to go to preschool). I went into this week knowing it would be difficult and vowed to really focus on my kids, play games with them, and spend time with them. And it has been a really great week! Every morning I wake up and remind myself that I am a stay at home mom because I want to raise my kids. My first priority is them and everything else comes second. It’s amazing to me how this shift in perspective has altered their behavior and mine. I am really proud of myself for what a good mom I have been this week. And, because I have given them what they need, they have spent a great deal of time playing quietly and letting me get my work done or rest.
I have learned a tremendous amount about myself this week and I am thrilled that my children are reaping the benefits. While I was never a bad mother, and I have always loved my children, I was not living up to my potential, and now I am. Sometimes all we need is a little shift in our thought patterns to get us on the right track. I couldn’t feel better about being a mom!
Last week I went on my annual ski trip with my mom and sister and had four days of no kids. Being pregnant I didn’t ski, so I had a lot of time on my hands to relax and think. When I first arrived I was thinking about how quickly the time was going to pass and then I would be back to my “job” of taking care of the kids. I had just arrived and I was already worried about returning. Then I started to feel guilty. I love my kids more than anything in the world, so why was I dreading my return. I decided to really examine this. The first thing I realized was that it wasn’t about the kids so much as the circumstances. Admittedly it’s harder right now being pregnant, I am more sensitive to noise, tired, and unable to do as much in a day as I used to. But in being completely honest I was having some of these feelings even before I got pregnant. The bottom line is that the job is hard, harder than I ever anticipated it would be, and the physical demands were getting to me. The second thing I realized is that I’m not enjoying my kids the way that I want to. I am constantly focused on paying the bills, cleaning the house, cooking food, and the countless other chores I do. I have forgotten, somewhere along the way, that the real reason I am staying home is to raise my children. The other chores are important, but are by no means my most important task. By focusing on everything else but the kids, I have taken the pleasure out of being with them because I feel like I can never get anything done with them around.
I admit all this because I had a revelation on my vacation. By looking into my feelings in a deep and honest way I was able to look at the answers with clarity and come up with some real solutions. When I returned to my kids I was thrilled to see them and we had the most fantastic day together. I was patient, kind and I spent quality time with them. This past week our community has endured one of the largest snow storms since the 1960s and I have been cooped up with the kids in the house (although they did get to go to preschool). I went into this week knowing it would be difficult and vowed to really focus on my kids, play games with them, and spend time with them. And it has been a really great week! Every morning I wake up and remind myself that I am a stay at home mom because I want to raise my kids. My first priority is them and everything else comes second. It’s amazing to me how this shift in perspective has altered their behavior and mine. I am really proud of myself for what a good mom I have been this week. And, because I have given them what they need, they have spent a great deal of time playing quietly and letting me get my work done or rest.
I have learned a tremendous amount about myself this week and I am thrilled that my children are reaping the benefits. While I was never a bad mother, and I have always loved my children, I was not living up to my potential, and now I am. Sometimes all we need is a little shift in our thought patterns to get us on the right track. I couldn’t feel better about being a mom!
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
January 19, 2010
Today my mom made the mistake of asking me if everything was ok. She could sense some not so great vibes and was checking on me. I have been feeling a bit down in the dumps, partly hormones, and partly because I’m unsure about any future career moves, things happening with my husband’s job, our housing, etc. But when she asked me today I unloaded and it wasn’t pretty. It was the complete opposite of positive thinking. Since she is my mom, she mostly listened, took it in stride and offered up a few pieces of advice. Thanks Mom! But as I got off the phone with her I realized how whiney and negative I sounded. I was actually embarrassed by how negative my voice was. While everyone is entitled to moments of despair and frustration, I am not doing myself any favors by looking at the world through such dark shades.
I had written a draft for this blog earlier this morning but hadn’t posted it yet because I wasn’t sure about it. After having the conversation with my mother, and running a few errands, I went back and read it and was grateful I had a bit of common sense in not posting it. While it was honest in regard to my feelings, it was incredibly heavy and negative and not how I really feel about my life. But it also contained some good points. Points worth of reflection.
One of the main reasons I am feeling down is that I have done little to nothing to propel myself forward with my writing career, even though I say that it is my goal and it’s important to me. In my first post I noticed that I was making excuses for myself and that I really am just still scared. Why is that? Why am I so plagued with fear in doing something I love to do? I have come to believe in writing this blog that I am a good writer and I think my esteem has gone up in that arena, but it doesn’t seem to be enough. Perhaps I still feel like others are better or that I might not succeed. But as I sit here doing nothing, I think that’s the biggest failure of all. And the only person I am really letting down is myself. I am not ok with this and I’m almost glad I wrote such a negative post because it made me realize that I am still settling for less than I am capable of. I must push myself forward despite any fears or misgivings I may have. I’m actually quite glad that I had a moment of despair because it shone a light on what I need to do.
I had written a draft for this blog earlier this morning but hadn’t posted it yet because I wasn’t sure about it. After having the conversation with my mother, and running a few errands, I went back and read it and was grateful I had a bit of common sense in not posting it. While it was honest in regard to my feelings, it was incredibly heavy and negative and not how I really feel about my life. But it also contained some good points. Points worth of reflection.
One of the main reasons I am feeling down is that I have done little to nothing to propel myself forward with my writing career, even though I say that it is my goal and it’s important to me. In my first post I noticed that I was making excuses for myself and that I really am just still scared. Why is that? Why am I so plagued with fear in doing something I love to do? I have come to believe in writing this blog that I am a good writer and I think my esteem has gone up in that arena, but it doesn’t seem to be enough. Perhaps I still feel like others are better or that I might not succeed. But as I sit here doing nothing, I think that’s the biggest failure of all. And the only person I am really letting down is myself. I am not ok with this and I’m almost glad I wrote such a negative post because it made me realize that I am still settling for less than I am capable of. I must push myself forward despite any fears or misgivings I may have. I’m actually quite glad that I had a moment of despair because it shone a light on what I need to do.
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