January 19, 2010

Today my mom made the mistake of asking me if everything was ok. She could sense some not so great vibes and was checking on me. I have been feeling a bit down in the dumps, partly hormones, and partly because I’m unsure about any future career moves, things happening with my husband’s job, our housing, etc. But when she asked me today I unloaded and it wasn’t pretty. It was the complete opposite of positive thinking. Since she is my mom, she mostly listened, took it in stride and offered up a few pieces of advice. Thanks Mom! But as I got off the phone with her I realized how whiney and negative I sounded. I was actually embarrassed by how negative my voice was. While everyone is entitled to moments of despair and frustration, I am not doing myself any favors by looking at the world through such dark shades.


I had written a draft for this blog earlier this morning but hadn’t posted it yet because I wasn’t sure about it. After having the conversation with my mother, and running a few errands, I went back and read it and was grateful I had a bit of common sense in not posting it. While it was honest in regard to my feelings, it was incredibly heavy and negative and not how I really feel about my life. But it also contained some good points. Points worth of reflection.

One of the main reasons I am feeling down is that I have done little to nothing to propel myself forward with my writing career, even though I say that it is my goal and it’s important to me. In my first post I noticed that I was making excuses for myself and that I really am just still scared. Why is that? Why am I so plagued with fear in doing something I love to do? I have come to believe in writing this blog that I am a good writer and I think my esteem has gone up in that arena, but it doesn’t seem to be enough. Perhaps I still feel like others are better or that I might not succeed. But as I sit here doing nothing, I think that’s the biggest failure of all. And the only person I am really letting down is myself. I am not ok with this and I’m almost glad I wrote such a negative post because it made me realize that I am still settling for less than I am capable of. I must push myself forward despite any fears or misgivings I may have. I’m actually quite glad that I had a moment of despair because it shone a light on what I need to do.