December 14, 2009

The other night my husband and I were watching Barbara Walter’s special The 10 Most Fascinating People of 2009. There were a wide range of people on there, but one in particular, Jenny Sanford, caught my attention. Jenny Sanford is the wife of South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford, who mysteriously “went missing” earlier this year, only to be “found” having an affair with his mistress in Argentina. Walters picked Sanford because she is one of the only political wives to not stand beside her husband or stay with him. She has filed for divorce. The couple has four boys together.


So why is such a depressing story showing up in a positive thinking blog? Well, because I was impressed with the way she is handling the situation and the dignity and positive light she is seeking to find. You could tell from the interview that she was deeply hurt by the situation, but you could also see hope in her eyes. Sanford told Walters that “his actions hurt me, and they caused consequences for me, but they don’t in any way take away my own self-esteem…They reflect poorly on him.” She goes on to say that she forgives him but “forgetting is a different story.” Sanford feels that it is “one thing to forgive adultery; it’s another thing to condone it.” And I guess this is what is most fascinating to me. I am incredibly impressed that she can forgive her husband. I don’t know if I could ever do that. I am more impressed that her forgiveness does not mean staying with him or condoning his behavior, especially in light of the fact that they have four boys. I think it’s incredibly important to forgive, but I also think it’s important to not allow someone to walk all over you, embarrass you and disrespect your marriage. I admire her for showing her sons that she forgives their father but at the same time has an enormous amount of self-respect. She is also showing them that there are consequences for your actions.

We all have someone or something in our lives that we need to forgive. It’s important in moving forward and not building resentment and living off of anger. The December 2009 issue of Good Housekeeping has an article about the 7 Steps to Forgiveness and I wanted to highlight a couple of the steps. The first step is allowing yourself to feel anger. I think this is such an important step because many people associate forgiveness with pushing your feelings aside. In the article psychologist Julie Exline, Ph.D., says “forgiveness is not about being a doormat. Feeling safe and empowered is key.” Another step is recalling a time when you hurt someone and needed someone to forgive you. It gives you a little empathy. The fifth step is to remind yourself that forgiveness is a gift to yourself. I think this might be the most important step because when we hold on to anger and resentment it eats away at our bodies and makes us weak. It harms us much more than the person that hurt us. Forgiveness allows us to heal.

As Jenny Sanford knows all too well, the people we love the most have the most power to hurt us. That’s why forgiveness can be so difficult – we often can’t understand why they are hurting us. I have had moments in my life where forgiveness has been difficult but necessary. Sometimes it takes a couple of years to forgive someone. Everyone’s path to forgiveness is different. The key is to somehow get to that place of peace and move on with your life. I have had the opportunity to forgive in my life and I can honestly say that my life is twice as good for it.