November 16, 2009

The ability to stay in a relationship and/or marriage and remain happy is elusive to many people. Because of such a high divorce rate in our country, and the amount of people who remain in unhappy relationships, marriage is often thought of as an unsuccessful venture. Is it really fruitless or is there a key missing for some people? In the December issue of Oprah magazine there is an article entitled, “How to Make the Romance Last – The truth about what keeps marriages together.” Written by Helen Fisher, PhD, she examines the secrets held by those in happy marriages. I was intrigued by this article for several reasons, but primarily because I consider myself happily married, and have been so for the past 12 years.


The first point Fisher discusses is romantic love. When we first meet someone and fall for them we find ourselves head over heels, over the top “in love,” and feeling like the world is perfect. But how long does this last? Fisher says, “Psychologists maintain that the dizzying feeling of intense romantic love lasts only about 18 months to – at best – three years.” So, whether one is married or in a long-term relationship, eventually they will find the romantic love fizzling out. Hopefully it is replaced by a deeper more committed love. In a study of couples in their 50s married an average of 21 years, Fisher noted that “Among the older lovers, brain regions associated with anxiety were no longer active; instead, there was activity in the areas associated with calmness.” Essentially, intense romantic love is replaced by a deep peace and consistency in spending their lives with someone.

So, what is the secret to going from intense romantic love to a deeply committed, peaceful, happy love? Fisher says that psychologist Marcel Zenter, PhD, of the University of Geneva, found in a study of 470 couples on compatibility one factor linking them all – “the ability to sustain your ‘positive illusions.’” Fisher believes that men and women who continue to maintain that their partner is attractive, funny, kind, and ideal for them in just about every way remain content with each other. What exactly does this mean? I think I can give you an example. My husband carries a picture of me in his wallet – my high school graduation picture. Right out of high school is when we started dating (15 years ago). My husband still sees me looking the way I do in the picture, despite the passage of time, two children and the stresses that occur with life. While I am certainly not old, I do look quite a bit different now than in the picture – positive illusion. I am certain that he will still be carrying this picture when I am 80 years old. Again, positive illusion - although some may argue dementia at that point. The idea is that he still sees me as beautiful, but more importantly, the person he is meant to be with. And I see him the same way. We have grown up together, so to speak, but the things I saw in him 15 years ago are the same things I see in him now.

I think when marriages fail it is because we were never certain how much we knew the person from the very start. Or, because the things we saw in the person at the start are being overshadowed by things that can’t be looked past. We are told the key to a happy marriage is communication and work. While these items are important, I think the real secret is looking at your partner in a positive light. What have you always loved about them? What will you always love about them? If you are in a relationship where you can’t see the good on a regular basis, it will never endure. The person I married, the core of who he is, has never changed. I love that person! If the little stuff starts taking precedence, than the relationship is bound to spiral downward. I guess it’s all about finding the right person from the start. And once you do, take a snapshot and never forget that image!